Well, if you struggle with a negative body image, taking photos of yourself is a zero fun activity. But, I am not undertaking this whole yoga thing lightly. Everything in this life is there to help you awaken, if you let it. Ram Dass always called it “grist for the mill of awakening”. Even a photo shoot. Especially a photo shoot, in my case.
So. This past weekend, I wanted to take a few pictures to create some class descriptions and a personal bio for some teaching work I am so excited to have arranged. Originally, the intent was to teach the exact class at the beautiful location to some friends, and have the pictures be more candid and fun. More my style, since, honestly, I deplore posing for pictures. However, the weather was less than cooperative. At height, the wind was whipping and the temperature may have been below freezing. But I got myself together, and wanted to at least take a few shots, so we tried. And I have to admit, it was so cold I thought less about what I looked like and more about getting this done, which was probably a good thing.
In any case, later on in the day, I saw the pictures. I cycled through all the usual reactions… “Oh I am so old/fat/stiff/ugly/dorky/clumsy…” And then the blaming kicked in.” Why weren’t the pictures better angled, better lit, better planned, less rushed, more attempts made…” and I just kept sitting, and listening. And breathing. I opened my journal and let out all of my feelings. My anger. My disappointment. My fears. “I can’t do this/I am stupid for thinking I can do this/I am too old/too sober to do this…” And then the feelings passed, trickling down my cheeks in salty streams, and a few characteristic giggles. I kept grinding that grain and breathing.
And finally something in me was able to let go. I understood in a deeper way why I am drawn to this work. Drawn to share my journey in this way. Not some packaged version of myself that talks about how yoga made me skinny or smoothed out my wrinkles and left me deliriously happy. But the authentic version that knows – that has always known – that these limbs of yoga are a daily refuge, a support for my flawed, oh so vulnerable and yet limitless human potential. The fire (tapas) of this discipline and the courageous self inquiry (svadyaya).
And then I looked at the pictures again. I saw past the ever changing outsides and saw the glimmer of something deeper. A soul yearning to be free, perched and ready to live this wild life fully, unlimited by tiny, silly notions of beauty and strength. This beauty today is sourced from a bottomless well of gratitude and joy, and my strength from the flour of patience and perseverance that has been milled there. A real contentment is baked out of these elements (samtosa) I can never forget this source, now that I have tapped it, so I am encouraged to take a few more steps forward. I CAN do this. In fact, I can’t do anything BUT this. How can I choose to be anything other than free ever again?
Now that I have won my freedom, like an eagle I am eager for the sky
I can see the light of brand new day
I can see the light of a clear blue morning
Oh, and everything’s gonna be all right
It’s gonna be okay – Dolly Parton
