Today, I feel so so… content. Samtosa is the sanskrit term used. Profoundly OK is how I have come to describe this state of being. When I am experiencing it, it all seems so obvious, so simple. How true it is, how everything really is perfectly okay. Even the bad stuff! And when I am not feeling it, it seems that being THIS content will never, ever return again. So, while it is visiting, I might just do a full interview for posterity…
What does this contentment feel like? It feels in my body like ease. Acceptance, love. The feeling that “hey man, its all right!” or “I belong here.” The difficulties that normally plague me have taken a back seat to the okayness of everything. “I can handle this” I feel towards my knee and foot pain, “Awww, aren’t you adorable” I feel towards my ample, jiggling belly making its way out from under my shirt. Its not a Pollyanna sort of kindness, or mere tolerance, either. It holds the pain of everything in there, too. Looking at the pain of violence, in all its forms, I am not closed off to it, but rather holding it deeply in my heart. Really seeing it, somehow. That that pain is so great AND ALSO that within it is the most powerful transformational power there is. If only we all could see. We would all stop with the violence immediately and realize this perfect state of enoughness. Of profound okayness. It gets so beautiful that I can only stop for a moment at times like this and breathe, and cry a little for the beauty, the limitless beauty that is all around us. Part of that beauty is that transformation just waiting to take hold in every one of us. I look at some people and see that power building, I can almost smell their closeness to the realization of this contentment. Its all just a breath away.
So, what brings it on? I have my theories. The first time I recall feeling this I was at a yoga festival, sitting a very basic meditation with others under a big tent on a beautiful summer day. I had nowhere to go, no one to impress, nothing to do. I was led by the facilitator to scan my body from head to toe. Noticing any sensations, accepting them, and moving on. I even recall in that particular sit, I had my legs out straight in front of me, having given up on the idea that my knees could do any sort of crossed leg posture for more than a minute or two. So I was even able to let go of being “the one who can’t sit”. And then… all of it, just… dropped away. And there, underneath all the thoughts of who I was, and what I was supposed to be or be doing, was this landscape of perfect peace and harmony. I knew that this was how it all REALLY was. I still recall (also because I am a pretty avid journaler and kept a record) that my senses became acute. I could hear all the sounds of the festival grounds, from the music and teacher cues from a nearby tent, to the sounds of laughter from the kids village. I could smell the fresh grass and the coffee brewing. I was struck with the timeless nature of it all, this feeling that “Wow! It is always like this, its all so simple, really” and “How could I ever have missed this!” I was able to somehow sense this whole weave of interrelationships to make this phenomenally beautiful tapestry of aliveness. All of this was beyond thought, somehow. It just… was true.
And still words cannot come close to doing this feeling justice. And, like all feelings, it fades into another feeling, so my practice teaches me it is just more folly to cling to this one, too.
Today, the feeling arrives in less powerfully stark punches. I tell myself it is because I am dedicated to my practice of mindful awareness, and kindness in all my actions, so I am closer to it in daily life than I was before, but who knows, really. I am tuned ever inward and upward, and thankfully, when I stray (which I do! alot!), I am even more resolved to find my way back each time. The contentment resides in me as a constant warmth. An assurance that I am dedicated to realizing the end of suffering, no matter what it takes. The goal is so lofty that even I, a recovering perfectionist, can offer gentleness to myself when I fall short. And that breeds even more of that blessed contentment.
So, for me, I think practicing moment to moment awareness, and letting go of all that is “me” and “mine” are the signposts to this beautiful kingdom. And yesterday, teaching my very first ever in studio yoga class, I got a hefty dose of both.
Pure samtosa! I am just *brimming* with gratitude. I am in the right place.
p.s. this is my kitty Travi Shankar (Travis), who does a fine job being a meme for “contentment”
