How do I know the difference between the difference between anxiety and intuition? A friend asked me this question, and I wrote so much I thought I would just post it here. These are my thoughts on the matter today!

Well, immediately the first words that come to mind for Intuition are CALM and CLEAR and SUBTLE. Anxiety is none of these. When I am over-pondering an issue in my head, often the thoughts are cyclic, repetitive, and feel suffocating somehow, like being chased or rushing towards something. There is a felt sense of agitation, tightness in the chest, jaw.  Breath shallow, joints stiff and tight. Drowning, or the threat of drowning, perhaps. The feeling of leaning into the next moment, the next day, the time when “this” will be resolved, so I can be okay, and move on with life. This, to me, signals anxiety. When I can recognize this, I am often stunned: “Woah! I got lost there for a while!”. Or “Look at that anxiety, man!” It took me a long time to get here, but when I notice this, I am able to take it as my alarm signal to WAKE UP!

I call it waking up because the spinning, obsessive mind feels like I am in some kind of a trance, sleepwalk. And what happens when I am able to NOTICE it- is that somehow the trance gets broken. “Boy there is a lot of agitation around this issue” I will say out loud, journal about it, share about it. In some way, ALLOW it to be there. Stop kicking against it and just float.

Then, after allowing it, for a moment, for a day, for a week, whatever I need, I can start to INVESTIGATE it further. I have come to call this gathering INTEL or gathering DATA. I look  at a couple of questions:

“What am I believing ?

“Is it true?”

And here is the real gem: “Who would I be if I didn’t believe this?”

Generally what happens then is that I start to see where I am limiting myself by these beliefs, and what I truly want is to be totally and completely free of all limits. My authentic self. So now I invite my Higher Power (HP) in to help. I will generally outright ask, or beg for HP to take this limiting belief from me. Or,  if I am still needing an answer, I will ask HP to show me one, or to help me decide. This I often do out loud, and in my journal. Sometimes I will share with trusted friends about it, too.

But then… I try to LISTEN. In order to listen, I have to get quiet. I personally use sitting meditation daily and often. The answers, the next right step… Those ideas spring from somewhere OTHER than the mind. When they come, they almost feel obvious, simple, clear. Without all the agitation. I have heard this likened to a forest pond. When it is agitated, the water is all muddy and murky. But let it settle, and it becomes still, clear. And all sorts of interesting animals will come out of hiding to drink. (paraphrase of Achaan Chah)

I have to be very quiet to see that they are there, and their source is… well, definitely not the small and limited “me”. Sometimes it takes some time for my doubt to fade, and I keep sitting with the issue. It is easier, possibly to explain what this feels like. I feel a sense of space, of ease, of relief. We hear talk about “giving it to God” being the thing that brings relief, but I feel like the relief comes more from the faith in God than handing over any particular issue. It’s like this for me – I get caught, I remember God, I know every little thing is gonna be alright (Bob Marley), and I listen for that still small voice (biblical reference) that guides my next move.

Sometimes the next move is DOING NOTHING, in fact, often it is. Then I have to face all my doubts about that, too. I have to take the time to let those murky waters of doubt settle.

Sometimes the next move falls into my mind or my lap, and I am amazed at the elegance of it. I would have never thought of this, it is generally accessible, available, possible, and ready. CLEAR. I might not like it, because it wasn’t what I had been obsessing over, but that is part of the INTEL we discussed just a moment ago… What are you believing right now?

None of this is easy at first, I find that when I practice with smaller things, like in my yoga asana practice, I can sit with the uncomfortable and distinguish it from the unbearable. I can practice living life “without all the answers” and “not getting what I think I want, but everything that I need”. Small issues, little discomforts, I am more and more grateful for these so I can practice.  This to me is SELF CARE, and perhaps the most important part of this process for me. I practice, so I can thrive in this life. So I can stay afloat in the waters, whether they are churning or still.

One last note, which is a big one for many people: I believe you get to choose your own conception of HP, of God. Begin right where you are. Maybe its the Santa Claus of your youth, or a facsimile thereof. For those of us recovering from interpersonal trauma, dear animals and pets can seem to embody all the qualities we seek in a loving God.  Maybe it is a support group. Maybe it is the idea that the Universe is so vast and old that you cannot possibly have all the answers so relax and allow yourself to believe that maybe, just maybe, there is something bigger than you managing things. That’s all there is to it, really, starting with “I am not the Queen of Everything” and eventually, you will practice, you will awaken, and you will realize you are also not the small separate, vulnerable and alone little self that you feared you were to begin with. Which is why we start to believe we are the masters of everything, anyway… to assuage the fear that comes from feeling small and separate. But that, my dear, is an illusion!

You an integral part of the brilliant, intricate magnificence of everything! You belong, and you are perfect – JUST AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!

So relax… allow yourself to view it all as swimming practice. Or floating practice. Or somewhere in between.

From Be Here Now, p. 31